gmail is co-dependent

odd thing last night – i couldn’t get to sleep and got into a funk.  so i decided i’d if i got up and wrote an email i’d meant to then i could get back to sleep.  it wasn’t a  long email but it was heartfelt if perhaps a little pitiful. i hit “send” and - 

i got a message to the effect that it was “that time of the day” (3:30am?) and gmail strives to be helpful so was i really sure that i wanted to send that email?  if i was sure i wanted to send it then i only needed to complete six simple math problems.

huh? was it really asking me if i was drunk-emailing?  i guess it was.  how fucking surreal is that to have your computer questioning your state of mind?

the AI must have something to do with time and keywords since another email from another account went through just fine.

or…

wait…

maybe my email account has been talking behind my back to my friends and therapist.  :-)

there are days when i’m so close to buying a shack in montana and leaving all of this behind.

renamed

i’ve incremented.  it no longer makes sense to call this v2 since the “v” part of me is gone.  it belonged to Her and She no longer wants it.  it is what it is.

and, thus, i’ve chosen “a” since i’m starting from scratch (and since “w” has horrible connotations).

fallow

nothing to do and no one to (not) do it with.  maybe inspiration will come.  or maybe i just need to lay low.  i’ve no need to go searching or to be one of thousands begging.

i’ve been lucky, though.  two wonderful Women.  lightning struck twice.  three times is probably pushing it.

there’s a place in canada that makes cream donuts you can’t believe.  putting them next to american donuts is insulting.  they are like eating sex.  i’ve tried others in canada and none compare.  after awhile, i just stopped trying cream donuts.  they were bound to disappoint.

[/metaphor]

stripped

layer after layer falls off
exposing pinker and pinker flesh
and you wonder just how far down it goes
before it properly bleeds
but another layer falls
and then another
bringing not blood
but the neverending promise of blood

needy

continuum

nothing is ever new…

plaintive

tba

i’m going to keep writing here but i’m not promising when.  i’ve got some processing to do and this isn’t the place to do it.  so i’ll most likely start something new where i can brood morosely with much less impact.

hnt

definition

there are so many other words to describe it accurately that i hesistate to use it. the word i want is so over-used or falsely used or used incorrectly – is so loaded and powerful that i have to check myself.  too often it’s bandied about as blackmail or a rope or, worse, a lie.  just when i convince myself, that, yes, it’s the right word, i pull back again.  it builds and destroys just as quickly. and rather than risk destruction, i choose not to use it.  which feels like proof.